Love
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Lost Boys
Searching the internet is like going to Target. You often come out with a lot more than you were planning to get. When I meet a new person, I often look them up online later to find out more about them- it’s much easier than just asking them about themselves. I find profiles from old jobs, LinkedIn, Facebook and other affiliation directories. Once in a while, I’ll find something juicy like a blog or a collection of photos from amateur modeling. Usually, the search is only moderately fulfilling. And while I’m already searching, I also browse the aisles for the “lost boys”– boys I had a crush on in school,…
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Valentines Day
I walk into CVS and spot the seasonal aisle that has quickly gone from Christmas discounts to a red sea of Valentines chocolate, figurines and stuffed animals, seemingly overnight. Happiness rises in me like bubbles, a parade of conversation hearts taking flight. Call me. Big hug. Be mine. I’m aware that most people do not have this positive visceral reaction to Valentines fare. “It’s a Hallmark holiday,” they say. “It’s not real,” they say. “I don’t believe in it, ” they say. For me, it’s just as real as Santa is to a six-year old. And just like Santa, there’s no prize for not believing. Valentines is one of the…
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The end of the world
I wrote a blog post early in my relationship and came back to it today. Let’s go back in the time machine for a moment… We all know couples who fall in love get engaged and even marry within two years of meeting. And as time goes by, their relationship changes. They get comfortable. Sometimes ungrateful. Bored. Apathetic. They work it out. Or they don’t. I am afraid of this. Why doesn’t love last? I discovered some surprising love research- Romantic love only lasts two years. The spark. The excitement. The “I miss you even though you just left the room.” A shelf life of two years. Sometimes less. You just…
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Visibility
When I was in my twenties, I decided to take on a new persona of sorts. I didn’t want to be the girl who blended in anymore. I wanted to be what I referred to as a “vixen.” I wanted men to notice me for my looks and not just find out I was fun to talk to after giving me the benefit of the doubt. So I started dressing in more revealing clothing and wearing a little more make up when I went out. I discovered something about that vixeny greener grass; when I looked that way, I attracted men who didn’t care about much else. Lesson learned. I’m glad…
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The Thing about Things
I try not to be a “thing” person. Things aren’t people or experiences or emotions. If I lose, break or otherwise ruin a thing, I don’t want to feel hurt. However, I do have a favorite shirt, a favorite jacket, a favorite pillow, a favorite plant and many other cherished things. They’re my favorites because they’re hand picked by me or by someone close to me. I’ve attached emotion to them. Emotion creates energy. And energy goes into the thing- both positive and negative. I am unfortunately still holding on to some negative clutter as well as necessities, like an alarm clock and a few different sized wardrobes. I didn’t…
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Relationship Milestones
We all have relationship baggage. One of my biggest carry ons comes from an old boyfriend who grew up in a world where women must not have bodily functions. So in our relationship, he did not want to acknowledge any of the 3 P’s- peeing, pooping and periods. And I get it, but these things are real. They happen. And they happen to me. I didn’t want to discuss them over dinner, I just didn’t want to have to hide them entirely. To preserve the relationship, I agreed to keep this illusion alive as best I could. But of course, I had digestive issues and kidney issues and that damn monthly bleeding issue. Damn them all. When we…
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Take II
For the last few months, there has been one question on my mind:“Why will this time be different?” How will moving in with this person be different than when I moved in with the last person? The answer is easy, right? I’m moving in with a different person! But what if I was the perpetrator? What if it’s not about the other person but about me? I’m packing the same baggage so the questions still stands, “Why will this time be different?” I considered seeing a therapist. We will get to the bottom of this. We will dig through the history and find the answers. But I kind of wanted…
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The gift
My mom had a mantra whether she realized I was counting the repetition of her words or not. It was variations of “Girls, don’t fight.” I was the youngest of three daughters by nearly eight years. I was the runt. The entertainer. The least invested in decisions. An only child at times. My mom got sick the year after my father passed away. During the last 10 years of her life, my sisters, Lauren and Allison, and I grew closer. But a common gripe was that no one would tell me anything, from what was going on with my mom’s health to when my sisters were free to hang out. “Mom, they treat me like I’m eight years old!” My mom would…
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The Things that Might Happen
When people ask me how I’m doing, the first words out of my mouth, for the last few months, have been “I’m selling my house.” It is the most logical way I can convey all the activity in my life. When it’s not physical- reorganizing, packing, storing and cleaning, it’s emotional. “How can I leave this place?” “Where will I go?” In fact, the latter is the logical next question people ask. I tell them the truth. “I don’t know.” Next week, there will be strangers touring my home. Potential buyers sizing up the the living room for a sectional and peering out the window to see the snow covered…
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The Five Driving Agreements
Growing up in the city, I didn’t have a strong desire to drive but I really wanted my drivers license. I took drivers ed at Lane Tech and while I was great on paper, I was not as stellar behind the wheel. One time I got so nervous in class, I accidentally switched on the windshield wipers and in my preoccupation with trying to turn them off, I drove into a fence. My mom would not take me out in her car to practice. Luckily my dad had a tougher stomach for these things and wanted to help me gain confidence on the road. He was a Chicago police officer,…