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Costco Husbands
No one NEEDS a Costco membership. But in my early 30’s it seemed that most of the parties I attended were fueled by chips, cookies, cakes, vodka, all with the same signature brand- Kirkland. I wanted in. It didn’t make sense to take on the annual $50 membership alone. But what other single person wanted to join me in Costco matrimony just for the family-sized products? My first Costco “husband” was a female coworker. Sometimes we shared a shrimp platter but we generally led separate Costco lives. We would have renewed after a year but I didn’t really want to. She had become distant and I found out she was…
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Forever Maybe (the story behind the title)
After months of indecision, I am finally coaxed off the fence. I look up the number to Circa, a jewelry buyer. When the voice on the phone asks what I’d like to sell, I reveal my past in three words. “An engagement ring.” While it’s a rare transaction in my world, I have a feeling they encounter this every day.I’m not saving the ring, just in case. I don’t want to make it into a pendant. I don’t want to make it into anything but a mortgage payment or two. I have just quit my job to live the dream—I’m writing my first novel. It’s the story about the year…
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Break Up Shoes
Break ups are hard. And not just with the emotional side – all the pre and post break up consultation with friends. “Am I doing the right thing?” “Are you sure he’s not right for me?” The actual logistics of a break up are a big deal. It’s got to be in the right place, at the right time, though in the moment, even in the most optimal setting, it never feels quite right. I was dating a guy off and on for about a year. He and I just didn’t seem like we were going to last. I started mentally going through the break up process and enlisted my…
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Fantasy World
I make sure my coworkers aren’t anywhere near my office and I type “sex toy party” into a search. I find an 800 number for a place called Fantasy World in Lexington, Kentucky. “Thank you for callin Fantasy Whiirld. How ken we heehlp yew? “Uh. Hi. I’m in Chicago and I’m planning a fundraiser for a breast cancer walk. I’m trying to do a party where some of the sales can go to charity. Do you have someone who could do that?” “Well, our closest representative’s in Indiana. You know, yew could become a sales representative and do the party on yer own. “… How would I do THAT?” “We…
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Turtle in First Person
During my “retirement summer”, I took a slew of writing tests for copy writing jobs. I eventually turned in a winning assignment and am still employed (yay- it worked!) This particular assignment (not for my current employer) was to write “a turtle’s greatest accomplishment, in first person” Every day is the same. Just after lunch, children race to the back of the room to visit the animals. They fight to hold “Skinny,” an ash-colored rabbit. They take turns feeding “Chomps,” the guinea pig. They even spend a few minutes watching the aquarium, where they’re most fascinated by the crab and inevitably run away screaming once the eel emerges from his…
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Sisters
Both my parents are gone. I have one grandmother left, which clearly disobeys the rules of sequential parent life expectancy. But that’s what I’ve got. And two much older sisters, who each play dual roles as sibling and parent to me. And to my benefit, they can switch roles on command, as easily as Clark Kent to Superman and back again. In my youth, I was not excited about their parental roles. It felt like having two extra moms to reprimand me for bad decisions. But I loved having sisters, “live-in friends”, to spend time with- playing games, doing art projects and listening to music that was beyond my years.…